I have had this idea my whole life that taking care of myself was just not it. Take care of others, even when my well was dry. My heart was crying out to be nurtured and heard.
The emotional toll leads to a physical one. Thinking controlling my eating and being skinny as can be was the answer. The thinner the better. It was a sick cycle of a true addiction that always stole my joy. So what if I was weak and depressed? I’ll smile and they won’t know a thing.
In my head was this completely false ideology that I was made to drain myself for others. Not to face my own pain. Going to therapy and a doctor meant I didn’t trust God enough. I needed to pray harder and believe it was my fault.
This taunted me for years and it was years of constantly feeling like I wasn’t enough for anyone. Picking myself back up again and then tripping over my own issues that I pretended weren’t there. All up until I had a mental breakdown a few years ago. My mind and body gave out. I was terrified. I was mad.
I yelled at God for punishing me and never coming to my rescue. The most honest prayer I ever prayed. Little did I know that I would begin to feel Him closer than ever. In the worst shape I’d ever been in.
Jesus has walked with me since. Through therapy sessions, doctor appointments, the hard days that still happen. He never left.
I’ve been on a journey of self love and healing. Freedom. I am worth it to take care of myself and celebrate myself. I am strong. I am a warrior…so are you.
Comments